The Tragedy of the Species, Part One
[Enter ME, MOTHER, BROTHER, DOG, and CHARLES DARWIN.]
MOTHER: What a nice meal! Chicken and eggs… I wonder which came first.
BROTHER: The chicken came first!
ME: The egg came first!
DARWIN: In fact, it was-
[Knocking is heard at the door. I walk towards the door to greet our new guests. Enter philosopher ARISTOTLE, Mortal Kombat character QUAN CHI, and particle physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN.]
ARISTOTLE: Aristotle is here!
QUAN CHI: Behold, the great sorcerer Quan Chi!
FEYNMAN: It is I, Richard Feynman!
DOG: [Growls.]
MOTHER: I don't think she likes you, Aristotle.Â
ARISTOTLE: Impossible! All like Aristotle!
BROTHER: She looks unhappy.
ARISTOTLE: Aye, looks; but the dog cannot feel unhappy, for an animal's soul does not allow for emotion!
QUAN CHI: No soul? What makes you think dogs lack souls? I know for certain you speak wrongly.
DOG: [Snarls.]
ARISTOTLE: Impossible! What purpose would a dog have for emotion?
FEYNMAN: How long has it been since you've studied souls, Aristotle? Here, if you need a reminder…
[FEYNMAN reveals a permanent marker and begins writing the soul equation on the wall behind the dinner table. He explains each of the various variables, but the rest of the group ignores him and continues their conversation.]
ARISTOTLE: It has been some thousands of years, but Aristotle is never wrong, never forgetful!
QUAN CHI: If dogs had not souls, how is it possible that I do this?
[He opens his hand to reveal a green, ghostly dog head, which howls. DOG howls in tandem.]
DARWIN: Indeed, in the last few millennia, the last few centuries even, dogs have changed quite significantly. The pet beagle I have today is nothing like the one I had 200 years ago.
ARISTOTLE: You all speak lies! This dog will not harm Aristotle, for it has not the capacity for anger!
DOG: [Bites ARISTOTLE.]
BROTHER: [Laughs.]
ARISTOTLE: [Cries in pain.]
ME: dogy :)
MOTHER: Bad dog! Come here!
[Exit MOTHER and DOG.]
QUAN CHI: Haha! Now, time to eat...
[The group begins eating, enjoying their food until a bang is heard as the door falls to the floor, revealing a mysterious figure.]
DOC: We live in five worlds. The world of evolution isn't one of them!
QUAN CHI: It cannot be!
DARWIN: Is that... the Doc?
ME: Are you not hungry, aristotle?
ARISTOTLE: (continues crying)
BROTHER: Can I eat that?
ARISTOTLE: (cries louder)
DOC: The truth is that I am the origin of the species. Every organism, every cell – I created them all with the power of language. Now, with all the power I have, I will bring about the Tragedy of the Species!
ME: No! The prophecies… they were true?
DARWIN: Quan Chi! Feynman! We have to stop him with the power of evolution!
[A bright light appears around THE DOC as DARWIN, QUAN CHI, and FEYNMAN begin to speak a strange language.]
DOC: You think you can stop me? Haha!
[The light turns red as the trio collapses to the ground. QUAN CHI and FEYNMAN have serious wounds, while DARWIN is not visibly injured. BROTHER runs away from the scene, sensing the danger.]
DOC: Bwahahahaha! In fact, there exists only one man who can stop me – and you know where he is, don't you Quan Chi?
QUAN CHI: No! I'll never tell you where the Carpenter lives!
[THE DOC gives QUAN CHI a serious gaze, causing QUAN CHI to cry out in agony.]
DOC: What about you, Dr. Feynman? If you give up your plans for this supposed superweapon of yours, maybe I'll let you live.
FEYNMAN: I'd never join an English teacher like you!
DOC: [Bends down to FEYNMAN and whispers into his ear.] What do you know about quarks?
[FEYNMAN screams in pain.]
DOC: What about you, Darwin? Tell me, Charles, is there any information you'd like to share?
[DARWIN is silent.]
DOC: Alright. If not a single one of my former students wants to comply, then that's your choice. I'll see to it that all of you live… undeliberately.
[THE DOC begins motioning to cast a spell, opening a portal to a hideous dimension under the trio. Then, DOG appears from behind and bites THE DOC, severing his arm from his torso.]
DOC: Ah, shit!!!!!
DOG: You just got naturally selected.
DOC: This bitch might have stopped me today, but I'll succeed eventually! I will hunt down the Carpenter and kill him before he can build Feynman's weapon, and then the Tragedy of the Species will be inevitable!
[THE DOC vanishes through the portal just before it disappears.]
QUAN CHI: Emily… come… I need to share my final message with you…
ME: What is it, Quan Chi?
QUAN CHI: We need to stop the Doc before his plan can succeed… [He coughs some blood.] find the Carpenter… Darwin knows his location…
FEYNMAN: [Hoarsely.] You'll need this, too, Emily… [FEYNMAN hands ME a diagram, showing an incomplete drawing of some sort of machine.]
FEYNMAN: There are five… you'll– [He coughs.] the Carpenter will know what to do… you'll need to bring them to him…
ME: I understand. I'll do what I need to do.
[QUAN CHI and FEYNMAN die.]
ME: So, Darwin, where do we need to go?
DARWIN: We'll need to return to somewhere from my past: the Galapagos.
DOG: I know a beagle who can get us there.
ME: Then let's go!
[Exeunt ME, DOG, and DARWIN.]